Understanding Attachment
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Adult Relationships
When partners seek couples therapy for the first time, they are often surprised to learn that the conflicts plaguing their relationships are not always about the issue that caused the argument. Couples may argue about finances, parenting, chores, or any number of issues, but at the core of many of these problems are primal fears that often developed earlier in life than we can even remember.
In my experience working with couples, I’ve found that an individual's attachment style can influence the quality of his or her relationships. Seeing a therapist educated about attachment theory is the best way to accurately determine your attachment style and use that knowledge to better your relationship.
If you’re looking for online AEDP or EFT therapy in California, you can contact my office to schedule a free consultation by calling 1-530-650-5190.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Drawing upon evolutionary biology, a psychologist named John Bowlby in the mid-twentieth century studied how the mother-child bond can affect an individual’s well-being. Bowlby knew that our earliest relationship - usually with our mothers or fathers - is one of the most important bonds of our lives. He stressed the impact of the parent-child bond on a child’s well-being. Bowlby’s findings even led to changes in the way orphanages and hospitals were run, and his research continues to influence policy today.
In 1970, Bowlby’s colleague Mary Ainsworth performed a landmark study dubbed the “Strange Situation.” Babies between the ages of 12 and 18 months and their mothers were brought to a room with a research assistant. The mother then left the room for three minutes, leaving the baby alone with the stranger. The way the babies reacted to the mothers’ departure and return led Ainsworth to recognize secure and insecure attachment styles.
During Ainsworth’s study, babies who were securely attached to their mothers grew visibly upset when she left the room. Upon the mother’s return, a securely attached baby was easily soothed and felt free to explore his or her environment in the safety of the mother's presence. These securely attached babies could use their mothers as a secure base to which they knew they could safely return when needed.
Insecure children, on the other hand, displayed different patterns. Some babies appeared indifferent and did not seem to react to their mothers leaving nor to their return. Other babies were upset when their mothers left, but not easily soothed upon her return either. Some of these babies even displayed signs of anger toward their mothers when they came back to the room. Unlike the securely attached babies who knew they could rely on their caregivers, these babies displayed signs of an insecure attachment.
Since Ainsworth first conducted her study nearly fifty years ago, research on attachment theory has continued to be honed. Psychologists have explored how our earliest attachment patterns shape our adult lives. Insecure attachment patterns are far from uncommon. In fact, as many as 40% of kids may have an insecure attachment with their primary caregiver! Without a secure base or example of a healthy relationship, it’s no wonder that some of these children will go on to experience relationship difficulties in adulthood.
What Do Attachment Styles Look Like In Adults?
Adults who experienced an unhealthy or inconsistent relationship with their primary caregivers during their most formative years may carry an insecure attachment style into adulthood. During infancy and early childhood, our brains become wired to seek out relationship patterns in adulthood that are similar to the ones we knew as children. In short, in the absence of a secure relationship, our brains can normalize unhealthy styles of intimacy.
Psychologists have identified four basic attachment styles in adults:
Secure - Adults with secure attachment styles most likely had their needs met when they were babies. Most of the time, their caregivers were empathetic and responded appropriately to those needs. When these securely attached children reach adulthood, they are able to balance meeting their own needs and those of their partner through the security of a healthy, loving relationship. They are able to trust their partner and feel comfortable spending time with him or her, as well as time apart to pursue their own hobbies and interests.
Dismissive Avoidant - People with a dismissive avoidant style of attachment learned early on to take care of themselves and not to rely too heavily on other people. As babies, their parents may have ignored or dismissed their needs and feelings. As a result, they learned to shut down their emotions and keep others at a distance. People with a dismissive avoidant pattern may resist becoming too emotionally close to other people, sometimes leading to intimacy problems in their romantic relationships.
Anxious Preoccupied - A person with an anxious preoccupied style of attachment may appear needy and overly attached to others. They may feel a desperate need to keep their partner close and will have trouble separating from him or her to pursue their own interests. At the core of the anxiety is a deep-seated fear of abandonment which sometimes stems from infancy, when these individuals’ needs were not consistently met. Anxious preoccupied people may inadvertently push away their partners due to their constant need for reassurance.
Fearful Avoidant - As babies, people with a fearful avoidant attachment style may have suffered threatening or even abusive caregiving. They may have experienced trauma, including sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. They may desire intimacy but also fear getting close to others and have difficulty trusting people. They may alternately push their partner away while other times wanting them close. Anxiety takes over, and as a result fearful avoidant people cannot meet their partner’s needs nor can they express their own needs in a healthy way. Because the very people who were supposed to keep them safe as children hurt them in some way, people with a fearful avoidant attachment style may come to expect the same of a romantic partner.
What Can Be Done About Insecure Attachment?
If you are experiencing relationship difficulties, it’s a good idea to consult with a licensed couples therapist to determine if your and/or your partner’s attachment styles may be holding you back from enjoying the close, loving bond you both deserve.
Some of the most effective therapies for relationship issues draw from attachment theory. In an earlier post, I explored a type of treatment known as Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT can help couples learn to identify their attachment styles and to develop a more secure attachment.
While our earliest bonds shape who we are, our attachment style is not written in stone. With the right therapist and a bit of work, you can rewire your brain for healthy attachment. Once you recognize your own patterns and those of your partner, relationship troubles become much easier to fix. As a result, you can enjoy closer, healthier romantic relationships and even platonic friendships.
Contact me to find out if your attachment style may be holding you back from the kind of relationship you desire. To schedule online individual therapy or couples therapy in Ca, you can contact my office to schedule a free consultation by calling 1-530-650-5190 or by filling out our contact form. I look forward to working with you!