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EFT Therapy
7 Reasons You and Your Partner Should Try Emotionally-Focused Therapy
Confused about therapy? You’re not alone. Choosing the right therapist can be a daunting task. After all, your relationship might depend on making the right choice. When you begin looking for a marriage counselor, you may be surprised by how many different types of therapy exist. Individual therapists have their own preferred styles of therapy. Just as your relationship with your therapist should be a good fit, therapeutic style should also be a good fit for whatever issues you’re seeking therapy.
Over the years, I’ve come to favor a few therapeutic styles because experience has shown me how useful they can be. For couples experiencing marital or relationship problems, emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) has proven itself time and again one of the most effective treatments in existence.
While I know anecdotally that it works, EFT is also backed by some solid scientific research. In fact, studies have shown that about 90% of couples who undergo EFT see improvement. EFT draws heavily from attachment theory to address core issues plaguing couples. (If you’re not familiar with the theory of attachment, I’d recommend reading my previous post detailing what attachment is, why attachment styles develop, and how attachment affects our relationships throughout the lifespan.)
In a nutshell, during our most formative years - infancy and early childhood - we form a particular style of attachment with our primary caregivers (usually our parents). If our parents are responsive, warm, and in-tune with our needs, we will usually form a secure attachment. If our parents are distracted, neglectful, or - in extreme cases - abusive, we might form an insecure attachment.
As adults, we tend to recreate our earliest attachment patterns - especially with romantic partners. If our earliest relationships were less-than-ideal, we might display avoidant or anxious behaviors in our adult relationships, often without realizing we are doing so. These insecure attachment patterns can spur a lot of conflict in our relationships.
How can you figure out if you or your partner suffer from an insecure attachment style? There’s no quick or easy way to know, especially since so many of our behaviors are subconscious and are carried out outside of our awareness. But a qualified professional can help assess your attachment styles and determine if they’re affecting your relationship.
Unfortunately, many unqualified self-help gurus get rich by writing books that claim to solve communication issues between partners. They take advantage of couples desperate to repair their marriages and relationships, and they want you to think that they have an easy, quick-fix to your troubles. While there are some great books out there, be wary of resources that come from disreputable publishers or from authors who lack professional experience working with couples.
Improving communication is vital to improving relationship quality. However, problems will never fully resolve until you can unmask the vulnerabilities hiding beneath the communication breakdown. When trying to resolve a relationship problem, we often need to unearth the insecurities that formed when we were young children and to work with a trusted professional who can guide us toward developing a more secure attachment style.
EFT is great at doing just that: getting below the surface. While a spouse or partner may feel or display anger, anger is not a primary emotion. Underlying the surface-level hostility hides a more vulnerable emotion - usually fear: fear of abandonment, fear of not being good enough, fear of loss. Often, partners who experience anger will not realize these fears are hiding underneath, but sure enough: they’re there and without being addressed, they can wreak havoc on your marriage.
WILL EFT WORK FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
Of course, no reputable professional would ever guarantee with 100% certainty that a treatment will heal a relationship. But my experience has shown me there’s a good chance EFT will benefit most couples.
EFT may be especially helpful for you if:
You’re tried therapy before. You’ve been to couples therapy before and worked on communication strategies, but problems continue to overwhelm your relationship. Maybe your therapist wasn’t a good fit, maybe you didn’t attend therapy long enough, or maybe the therapy style wasn’t right for your relationship. Whatever the reason, failing therapy once does NOT necessarily mean you’re doomed to fail it again.
You can’t stop fighting over everything. You and your spouse or partner feel trapped in a never-ending pattern of conflict. Every time you think things are starting to get better, the old fights return. You make up, resolve to handle things better next time, but conflict continues to rear its ugly head.
Every disagreement ends in anger. Small conflicts escalate into tearful screaming matches wrought with anger. Sometimes, you don’t even know how fights start. When you look back, you can’t remember how or why your relationship got to this point.
You’ve lost that loving feeling. You just don’t feel the sense of closeness with your partner you once felt. Even if you’re not fighting all the time, your partner seems distant from you. You don’t talk much anymore - at least not about the big stuff. You or your partner might even forgo conversation as a defensive mechanism to avoid conflict.
You or your partner have lived through trauma. If you or your partner have lived through a traumatic event, trauma’s aftermath can have a profound effect on the quality of your relationship - especially if one or both of you meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which often includes symptoms like flashbacks, insomnia, and even anger. A recent study conducted at the Baltimore VA Medical Center studied the effectiveness of EFT on couples where one partner was a veteran with PTSD. Both the veterans and their partners reported significant improvements in symptoms and relationship quality, suggesting that EFT may be an effective treatment for PTSD and its effects on relationships.
You’ve tried to communicate better, but problems remain. If your relationship suffers from frequent fighting, you might assume the difficulty lies in how you communicate with each other. While you’re right that improving communication will benefit your relationship, there’s more work to be done. Without treating the underlying causes of your communication problems, communication strategies are unlikely to be effective in the long-term.
You’ve tried to work on issues on your own. We have more resources available to us than ever before. Bookstores and websites are filled with self-help books, workbooks, and online courses available to individuals and couples who wish to better themselves. In many ways, so much information is a wonderful thing. There really are some useful books and courses available, but for serious relationship problems, these resources usually work best when used in conjunction with therapy.
You love your partner and want things to get better. Even if you fight every day, you know you love your partner and want your relationship to succeed. While love on its own may not be enough, it’s an essential factor in relationship healing.
If you want to know more about EFT, here are some links for further reading:
MY OWN BLOG:
Fighting Words: What Anger Can Reveal About Your Relationship
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Adult Relationships
Could EFT Benefit Your Relationship?
OTHER RESOURCES:
International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally-Focused Therapy (ICEEFT)
Psychology Today
Dr. Sue Johnson (creator of EFT)
AEDP and Trauma
Healing From Trauma With Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy
The Ability To Heal Lies Within You
If you’re looking for a therapist trained in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy near Davis, California, please call my office at 1-530-650-5190 to schedule a free phone consultation.
What Is Trauma?
When you hear the word ‘trauma,’ what comes to mind? Many people associate trauma with soldiers in combat. While veterans often endure horrific trauma, traumatic experiences are not limited to war-related violence.
In fact, some experts estimate that about 70% of Americans have endured some type of trauma during their lives! While that figure might sound hard to believe, it’s less surprising when we consider the many kinds of traumatic events a person might encounter throughout the lifespan. Child abuse, physical assault, difficult childbirth, rape, natural disasters, the death of a loved one, car accidents, serious illness, and domestic violence are just a few experiences that can be classified as trauma.
Effects And Symptoms Of Trauma
The effects of trauma are almost as varied as the life events that lead to it. Some people develop symptoms immediately following a traumatic event. For others, effects may not appear until months or even years later.
The effects of trauma sometimes seem unrelated to the traumatic events that caused them, making it difficult for the sufferer to recognize trauma’s influence. Traumatic experiences can even lead to somatic (physical) complaints, including headaches and other types of chronic pain.
In severe cases, an individual may suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a debilitating condition that can cause flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and avoidance of things that remind her of the traumatic event. PTSD can occur from a single traumatic ordeal or following a prolonged period of suffering, such as child abuse or domestic violence. Some sufferers of PTSD have problems with emotional regulation and even anger. Others suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, depression, dissociation, sleep disturbances, or self-harm.
The Importance Of Recognizing Trauma
Whether or not you fit the criteria for a PTSD diagnosis, you should still see an experienced, qualified professional who can address unresolved trauma. Given that some 70% of adults may have survived a traumatic event, the vast majority of people could probably benefit from therapy!
Treatment is particularly important if you endured trauma during your childhood. A child’s brain is very plastic. In other words, children’s brains are highly impressionable as they grow. Your childhood environment and experiences - good and bad - shape your brain’s development.
When you are exposed to trauma during childhood, the traumatic experience can become hardwired into your brain. If you suffered a great deal of anxiety or fear as a child, you may also suffer repeated cycles of those feelings as an adult. Trauma that affects your relationships with your earliest caregiver(s) is known as attachment trauma. Unresolved attachment trauma can affect every aspect of your life - including your health, your relationships, and your happiness.
Treating Trauma Using Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy
There are a number of ways to treat trauma, and a good clinician will decide which approach works best for the individual. As I’ve explained before, everyone is different, and no single therapeutic approach will benefit every client.
One of the most effective therapies I’ve found after decades of working with clients is Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), which was developed by a psychologist named Dr. Diana Fosha. In developing AEDP, Fosha drew from several existing psychological theories, including the theory of attachment. According to attachment theory, our earliest relationships with our primary caregivers influence our adult relationships and the way we connect with others throughout our lives.
AEDP also incorporates ideas from neuroscience and somatic psychology, which relates to the idea that we experience psychological phenomenon not only mentally but also physically in our bodies. An AEDP therapist uses somatic psychology by maintaining eye contact with the client and helping him track bodily sensations and the emotions that accompany them.
Benefits Of AEDP For Treating Trauma
“Lodged deeply in our brains and bodies, there for the awakening and activating in facilitating environments, lie innate, wired-in dispositions for self-healing and self-righting....” - Dr. Diana Fosha on AEDP
The central tenet underlying AEDP is an optimistic one: inside all of us lies an intrinsic ability to heal. An AEDP therapist will guide you to use abilities you already possess. The therapist also serves as a trusted attachment figure throughout the process of drawing those skills to the surface. You learns to heal yourself, making you more resilient and better able to tackle future adversity.
Rather than attempting to hide uncomfortable or difficult emotions, your therapist will guide you to face those emotions and deal with them. As your AEDP coach helps you tear down superficial defenses that mask emotions below the surface, you will grow more comfortable recognizing negative emotions. In doing so, you can stop fearing your feelings, and they lose some of the power they once held.
Some people worry that therapy will take years to have an effect. Fortunately, AEDP can usually enact positive changes quickly. A client who is treated using AEDP often starts to feel better after just a few sessions. In fact, one thing that motivated Fosha to develop AEDP was her frustration with how long psychoanalysis could take to improve a person’s life.
In addition to being quicker than traditional psychotherapy, AEDP is also an evidence-based approach that can be used to treat a variety of psychological conditions. The efficacy of AEDP is backed by years of quality research supporting its use as an effective treatment.
In summary, the benefits of AEDP include its ability to:
heal many types of trauma, including attachment trauma
tear down defenses that mask the emotions underlying them
restore confidence in one’s inborn ability to heal
improve insecure attachment patterns
build resilience to face difficult emotions
reduce symptoms over a short period of time
use a science-backed approach to treat trauma
I am certified AEDP therapist with more than twenty years of experience. I prefer to use AEDP for individual therapy, particularly with those affected by trauma. Remember: you already have the skills you need to overcome trauma. My job is to show you how to make the most of those abilities.
If you live in California and are wondering if AEDP may be right for you, I encourage you to take the first step toward healing by contacting a qualified online therapist at 1-530-650-5190.
Understanding Anger, An EFT Lens
Fighting Words: What Anger Can Reveal About Your Relationship
Every time you try to talk to your partner, they get defensive and a shouting match ensues.
When you try to reason with them, they shut down, or worse - shut you out.
Or maybe the old spark has disappeared and you just don’t feel connected the way you used to.
But what if the anger and disconnection bubbling on the surface of these interactions was just a mask disguising more vulnerable emotions hiding beneath? What if you could peel away the layers of resentment that hold you back from having the relationship you want?
If you’re looking for EFT therapy in Davis, California, you can contact my office to schedule a free consultation by calling 1-530-650-5190.
In an earlier post, I explained that the conflicts plaguing our relationships often stem from attachment patterns we developed as young children interacting with our earliest caregivers. Disagreements with our romantic partners can trigger a deeply rooted fear of abandonment. Such fears can be subconscious, and we often don’t realize that we are acting out of fear when we raise our voices or shut down emotionally.
For partners experiencing relationship distress, emotionally-focused therapy for couples can be a highly effective way to reconnect. EFT is an evidence-based practice backed by more than thirty years of research. Even during very stressful periods, research suggests EFT can help couples build resilience. Time and again, I’ve watched the way it can transform relationships.
EFT consists of nine steps that help couples identify sources of conflict and change old communication patterns. Often, couples who seek therapy are locked in a pattern of communication that involves anger or avoidance. But therapy can help couples recognize that anger might signify deeper issues in the relationship.
When a partner screams, “Can’t you EVER just listen to me?!” he or she might really be asking:
Can I count on our relationship?
Can I still trust you?
Can I count on our love?
Anger is sometimes described as a “secondary emotion” because it usually masks other feelings lurking below the surface. While a person may look angry on the outside, he or she may actually be feeling insecure, afraid, sad, or ashamed. Feelings like sadness and fear can cause us to lash out at our partners.
Without help, couples often continue these same negative patterns of communication. Over time, these patterns can become so ingrained that they are difficult to fix. It takes courage (and practice) to recognize our own feelings and to communicate them to our loved ones. Therapy can help couples build the skills they need to keep their relationships thriving.
That’s why it’s so important for couples to seek help when they are having problems communicating or solving conflict in a healthy way. While attachment styles are learned early on and can impact our lives in countless ways, EFT has the potential to help. The right therapist can help individuals identify their attachment styles and heal old emotional wounds. As a result, relationships improve and partners form a closer, more secure bond with one another.
Contact my office to find out if your EFT therapy is right for your relationship. To schedule individual therapy or couples therapy in California, contact my office to schedule a free consultation by calling 1-530-650-5190 or by filling out our contact form. I look forward to working with you and your loved one.
Understanding Attachment
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Adult Relationships
When partners seek couples therapy for the first time, they are often surprised to learn that the conflicts plaguing their relationships are not always about the issue that caused the argument. Couples may argue about finances, parenting, chores, or any number of issues, but at the core of many of these problems are primal fears that often developed earlier in life than we can even remember.
In my experience working with couples, I’ve found that an individual's attachment style can influence the quality of his or her relationships. Seeing a therapist educated about attachment theory is the best way to accurately determine your attachment style and use that knowledge to better your relationship.
If you’re looking for online AEDP or EFT therapy in California, you can contact my office to schedule a free consultation by calling 1-530-650-5190.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Drawing upon evolutionary biology, a psychologist named John Bowlby in the mid-twentieth century studied how the mother-child bond can affect an individual’s well-being. Bowlby knew that our earliest relationship - usually with our mothers or fathers - is one of the most important bonds of our lives. He stressed the impact of the parent-child bond on a child’s well-being. Bowlby’s findings even led to changes in the way orphanages and hospitals were run, and his research continues to influence policy today.
In 1970, Bowlby’s colleague Mary Ainsworth performed a landmark study dubbed the “Strange Situation.” Babies between the ages of 12 and 18 months and their mothers were brought to a room with a research assistant. The mother then left the room for three minutes, leaving the baby alone with the stranger. The way the babies reacted to the mothers’ departure and return led Ainsworth to recognize secure and insecure attachment styles.
During Ainsworth’s study, babies who were securely attached to their mothers grew visibly upset when she left the room. Upon the mother’s return, a securely attached baby was easily soothed and felt free to explore his or her environment in the safety of the mother's presence. These securely attached babies could use their mothers as a secure base to which they knew they could safely return when needed.
Insecure children, on the other hand, displayed different patterns. Some babies appeared indifferent and did not seem to react to their mothers leaving nor to their return. Other babies were upset when their mothers left, but not easily soothed upon her return either. Some of these babies even displayed signs of anger toward their mothers when they came back to the room. Unlike the securely attached babies who knew they could rely on their caregivers, these babies displayed signs of an insecure attachment.
Since Ainsworth first conducted her study nearly fifty years ago, research on attachment theory has continued to be honed. Psychologists have explored how our earliest attachment patterns shape our adult lives. Insecure attachment patterns are far from uncommon. In fact, as many as 40% of kids may have an insecure attachment with their primary caregiver! Without a secure base or example of a healthy relationship, it’s no wonder that some of these children will go on to experience relationship difficulties in adulthood.
What Do Attachment Styles Look Like In Adults?
Adults who experienced an unhealthy or inconsistent relationship with their primary caregivers during their most formative years may carry an insecure attachment style into adulthood. During infancy and early childhood, our brains become wired to seek out relationship patterns in adulthood that are similar to the ones we knew as children. In short, in the absence of a secure relationship, our brains can normalize unhealthy styles of intimacy.
Psychologists have identified four basic attachment styles in adults:
Secure - Adults with secure attachment styles most likely had their needs met when they were babies. Most of the time, their caregivers were empathetic and responded appropriately to those needs. When these securely attached children reach adulthood, they are able to balance meeting their own needs and those of their partner through the security of a healthy, loving relationship. They are able to trust their partner and feel comfortable spending time with him or her, as well as time apart to pursue their own hobbies and interests.
Dismissive Avoidant - People with a dismissive avoidant style of attachment learned early on to take care of themselves and not to rely too heavily on other people. As babies, their parents may have ignored or dismissed their needs and feelings. As a result, they learned to shut down their emotions and keep others at a distance. People with a dismissive avoidant pattern may resist becoming too emotionally close to other people, sometimes leading to intimacy problems in their romantic relationships.
Anxious Preoccupied - A person with an anxious preoccupied style of attachment may appear needy and overly attached to others. They may feel a desperate need to keep their partner close and will have trouble separating from him or her to pursue their own interests. At the core of the anxiety is a deep-seated fear of abandonment which sometimes stems from infancy, when these individuals’ needs were not consistently met. Anxious preoccupied people may inadvertently push away their partners due to their constant need for reassurance.
Fearful Avoidant - As babies, people with a fearful avoidant attachment style may have suffered threatening or even abusive caregiving. They may have experienced trauma, including sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. They may desire intimacy but also fear getting close to others and have difficulty trusting people. They may alternately push their partner away while other times wanting them close. Anxiety takes over, and as a result fearful avoidant people cannot meet their partner’s needs nor can they express their own needs in a healthy way. Because the very people who were supposed to keep them safe as children hurt them in some way, people with a fearful avoidant attachment style may come to expect the same of a romantic partner.
What Can Be Done About Insecure Attachment?
If you are experiencing relationship difficulties, it’s a good idea to consult with a licensed couples therapist to determine if your and/or your partner’s attachment styles may be holding you back from enjoying the close, loving bond you both deserve.
Some of the most effective therapies for relationship issues draw from attachment theory. In an earlier post, I explored a type of treatment known as Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT can help couples learn to identify their attachment styles and to develop a more secure attachment.
While our earliest bonds shape who we are, our attachment style is not written in stone. With the right therapist and a bit of work, you can rewire your brain for healthy attachment. Once you recognize your own patterns and those of your partner, relationship troubles become much easier to fix. As a result, you can enjoy closer, healthier romantic relationships and even platonic friendships.
Contact me to find out if your attachment style may be holding you back from the kind of relationship you desire. To schedule online individual therapy or couples therapy in Ca, you can contact my office to schedule a free consultation by calling 1-530-650-5190 or by filling out our contact form. I look forward to working with you!
Not a Question of Compatibility
A question that often arises for one or both partners in a distressed relationship is "Are we compatible?"
Clearly some people do become "incompatible" over time. This is can happen when a couple gets together at a very young age or when a couple joins together in an unhealthy lifestyle and one partner later chooses to become healthy (such as kicking an addiction) while the other clings to old habits.
Yet with the couples that are determined and brave enough to contact me for counseling, I find that compatibility is usually a moot point. What looks and feels like incompatibility is more often a negative and stuck communication pattern. Every couple that comes through my door is stuck in some type of "negative communication cycle". (1) Common cycles include "pursue and distance" (or put more bluntly, "blame and avoid") "distance-distance," and "attack-attack."
When a negative communication cycle comes to dominate a relationship it certainly doesn't feel very "compatible" and, in fact, partners can lose touch with feelings of love. Yet when a cycle takes over, it is not a challenge of compatibility but one of communication. As we don't feel heard or understood it is easy to lose our ability to trust in our partner. Without trust, communication becomes strained at best and a lack of communication sure doesn't foster a sense of compatibility.
I urge my couples to put aside the compatibility question until they've worked their way out of their negative communication cycle. When partners feel safe enough to share their fears and vulnerabilities and can feel heard and supported, it tends not to matter so much that one is passionate about art while the other likes to restore cars.
I recommend "Emotionally Focused Therapy" which is has proven to be the most effective mode for couples treatment in extensive clinical tests.
Whack a Mole
When couples come to see me they often bring specific problems to be solved. And while there are therapists who will work diligently to help couples solve their "problems," I am not one of them. For even if I were to honor this request and help them craft a solution, another would pop up soon enough. Just like a game of whack-a-mole. The reason for this is that the stated "problem" is not really the problem. Instead the problem is what happens when partners try to talk about the designated problem. The problem is a communication cycle that makes things worse.
This begs the question "Why can some couples talk through enormous injuries while others can't discuss the evening's TV lineup without a serious meltdown?" The answer to this is that couples, to varying degrees, can become locked into negative communication patterns or "cycles". (1) When feelings of hurt, betrayal, neglect, etc. occur in a relationship and are not resolved, they can create fixed patterns of communication that are defensive and reactive. Some couples can work out of these patterns on their own but many become stuck and need the help of a couples counselor to escape the pattern. Many couples complain of having the same argument again and again. This is because the rules of the cycle, of which the partners aren't fully aware, prevent the openness and vulnerability that are essential in successful communication that creates trust and connection. In this unsafe environment, partners protest their hurt and longing in ways that cause reactivity in their partner and create the same defensive script. And on and on it goes.
If you feel that you are stuck in such a cycle I recommend "Emotionally Focused Therapy." This mode is enjoying world wide popularity now and data indicates that it is the most helpful mode of change for couples in distress.
Online Therapist
Couples Counseling in Walnut Creek California
BENEFITS OF AEDP
The central tenet underlying AEDP is an optimistic one: inside all of us lies an intrinsic ability to heal. An AEDP therapist will guide you to use abilities you already possess. The therapist also serves as a trusted attachment figure throughout the process of drawing those skills to the surface. You learns to heal yourself, making you more resilient and better able to tackle future adversity.
Rather than attempting to hide uncomfortable or difficult emotions, your therapist will guide you to face those emotions and deal with them. As your AEDP coach helps you tear down superficial defenses that mask emotions below the surface, you will grow more comfortable recognizing negative emotions. In doing so, you can stop fearing your feelings, and they lose some of the power they once held.
Some people worry that therapy will take years to have an effect. Fortunately, AEDP can usually enact positive changes quickly. A client who is treated using AEDP often starts to feel better after just a few sessions. In fact, one thing that motivated Fosha to develop AEDP was her frustration with how long psychoanalysis could take to improve a person’s life.
In addition to being quicker than traditional psychotherapy, AEDP is also an evidence-based approach that can be used to treat a variety of psychological conditions. The efficacy of AEDP is backed by years of quality research supporting its use as an effective treatment.
IN SUMMARY, THE BENEFITS OF AEDP INCLUDE ITS ABILITY TO:
heal many types of trauma, including attachment trauma
treat depression
restore confidence in one’s inborn ability to heal
improve insecure attachment patterns
build resilience to face difficult emotions
reduce symptoms over a short period of time
use a science-backed approach to treat trauma
What is AEDP Therapy?
Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy or “AEDP” was created by Diana Fosha based on her conviction that people grow and heal more readily when their built-in resources and resilience are tapped. This approach is very different from therapy that focuses solely on what is going wrong in an individual’s life. Pain and suffering, of course, must be addressed in therapy. But as we work on our problems, positive emotions, healthy action tendencies, and metal clarity arise. Most therapy approaches don’t utilize these emergent positive feelings and experiences. This is a shame, because there is no better way to build resilience and create happiness than to give these earned positive experiences their due. If we stay with and process these positive, transformational experiences, they become internal resources that help us with the hard work of therapy and help us feel solid in facing the challenges that life holds. By deeply accessing emotion and really processing the positive and true feelings this creates, AEDP allows individuals to transform our lives rather than merely adjusting our thoughts or behaviors.
I am currently Certified AEDP provider with more than twenty years of experience. I prefer to use AEDP for individual therapy, particularly with those affected by trauma. Remember: you already have the skills you need to overcome trauma. My job is to show you how to make the most of those abilities.
If you live in California and are wondering if AEDP may be right for you, I encourage you to take the first step toward healing by contacting a qualified therapist at 1-530-650-5190.
Time is Not the Issue
Creating Better Connections
When couples come to see me they often bring specific problems to be solved. And while there are therapists who will work diligently to help couples solve their "problems," I am not one of them. For even if I were to honor this request and help them craft a solution, another would pop up soon enough. Just like a game of whack-a-mole. The reason for this is that the stated "problem" is not really the problem. Instead the problem is what happens when partners try to talk about the designated problem. The problem is a communication cycle that makes things worse.
This begs the question "Why can some couples talk through enormous injuries while others can't discuss the evening's TV lineup without a serious meltdown?" The answer to this is that couples, to varying degrees, can become locked into negative communication patterns or "cycles". (1) When feelings of hurt, betrayal, neglect, etc. occur in a relationship and are not resolved, they can create fixed patterns of communication that are defensive and reactive. Some couples can work out of these patterns on their own but many become stuck and need the help of a couples counselor to escape the pattern. Many couples complain of having the same argument again and again. This is because the rules of the cycle, of which the partners aren't fully aware, prevent the openness and vulnerability that are essential in successful communication that creates trust and connection. In this unsafe environment, partners protest their hurt and longing in ways that cause reactivity in their partner and create the same defensive script. And on and on it goes.
If you feel that you are stuck in such a cycle I recommend "Emotionally Focused Therapy." This mode is enjoying world wide popularity now and data indicates that it is the most helpful mode of change for couples in distress.
Davis Therapist
Couples Therapy in Davis California
How to Shop for a Counselor
Couples counseling is quite different from many other services that a consumer might seek. While an automobile repair is pretty straightforward, a counseling experience is not. A couple looking for help will encounter a variety of approaches as they contact different therapists. Or possibly a therapist who has not received specialized, couples therapy training and is flying by the seat of his or her pants. A well-intended provider is not enough.
This presents a real challenge for clients who often don't know the right questions to ask, let alone the differences between the major couples theories. I have presented some questions for couples seeking the help of a professional:
What theory or model do you use in couples counseling?
What post-graduate training have you received in couples counseling?
Can you summarize what it is you do to help couples overcome distress?
Additional research can be done on-line about the different theories described by therapists. You can even see masters at work in youtube videos. And given that picking a counselor is a major decision, it's helpful if a provider is willing to offer a phone consultation so clients can get a feel for his or her style and ask questions. I feel this is something all providers should be willing to do.
Jason Trowbridge, therapist in Davis California